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"Low" Desire

Low sex drive and low or no sex marriages are among the most common complaints brought to marriage and sex therapy offices.

Usually called “low desire” or hypo-active sex drive in the Diagnostic Manual used by doctors and insurance companies, it is most often attributed to women. It is listed as one of several Female Sexual Dysfunctions, or FSD.

I find these categorizations demeaning, and they are in fact, scientifically incorrect.
Here’s why.

• At least 30% of men report low desire.
• There is no scientifically “proven” correct or “normal” level of desire.
• The situation is more accurately described as differing desire levels - the interest in having sex has diminished more for one person than for the other.
• There is often no medical basis for low desire, and no scientific, accurate definition of “functional” desire, so it cannot be a dysfunction.
• Why people want sex – or not – is complex, not a matter of “function” or “dysfunction.”

Differing desire levels is a problem only if the partners have monogamous sexual commitments, and one person needs sex more than the other, or if an individual would like to have more interest in sex.

It is important to have medical examination if you are experiencing lower desire level that you would like to, or than you have in past. Sometimes medical or physical issues are involved. Whether or not there are such issues, relationship counseling is important to restore balance and good feeling between partners.

Reported side effects of this and other sexual problems are common and can be helped with counseling.
These include:

• Loss of closeness
• Feelings of rejection, low self esteem
• Feelings of guilt
• Blaming
• Not having fun together
• Fear of losing the partner
• Fear of hurting the partner
• Avoiding the subject – and anything that might lead to it
• Arguments and lack of communication
• Confusion, pain, and upset

Call 707 266 1269, or email lovedoc@holisticounseling.org for a free consultation.